dying embers/home fires
We are crushed leaves scattered by the old winds
I lay my tobacco down today
It’s our ceremonial practices as humans that keep us from going over the edge, the line, the divide etc. And so today I cry freely.
The Elder notified that I would have news of my natural family in a week to ten days. As time passed I found myself enveloped in deep curious thoughts as to how to proceed with presenting myself to my birth parents. And the usual thoughts of worthiness washed over my whole existence. All the usual questions that garnish three decades of knowing one is adopted. Was I worthy of being here, were they right to give me away, is it time to go back? All the anxiety, wistful childish want and responsible questions one would ask an adult came to an abrupt halt.
Knowing my origins have already deceased this plane and live on the next in spirit form has caused me to alter my thought pattern. Now it is the path to acknowledge their lives and honour them wholly and to the best of my ability.
We are not prepared for these moments in life, some of us don’t have the connections to go through this but with the might of our own wills. Our armour we’ve built through three decades is what keeps us from the confusion our minds want to create. And to not allow the grief of our relatives’ pasts dictate what our own futures will hold.
I am incredibly saddened knowing I will never be able to hold either of my natural parent’s hands, maybe I never would have but I cannot hold onto those thoughts. I am tempered knowing I can never hear their voices tell me they love me and that maybe their decision was the best for me. I’m regretting not searching sooner, caught up in my own nightmares, my selfishness leading to running out of time.
Yet with each loss we count we are given many more chances and that’s what I go on.
I have the ability to gather and heal.
I’ve known this for a long, long time that with strength and courage I can aide other’s in their grief.
It is only with integrity and honour that I seek now
We can only hope for the best stories, the ones that bring joy and a sense of calm to this world.
Not all of us are so fortunate and it is those stories that should encourage our own home fires to burn mightier.
I’m not alone.
No one is.
Thus a new journey begins …