i bow my head

21AUG

I’m not ok.

I guess I bow my head a lot more these days. Sometimes I don’t even really think about anything. I just sit and squish my eyes together trying to comprehend the world. I’m really angry and have trouble deciphering the good from the bad; or even if the lines are clear anymore. The only people I want around me are my children. Everyone else is at the gates and it’s lucky if I acknowledge them truly. I know it’s not supposed to be like this, I know I was given a good heart and sound conscience for a reason. But both have been tested and I’m now just angry at everything. I wonder how does one keep on going when it’s taken away in an instant. And I wonder how we’re supposed to keep walking this good walk when there’s nothing to guarantee it’ll survive this place.
So I sit, bow my head and squish my eyes closed to the point where my face hurts because I am so tired of crying. My mother told me when I was younger that it doesn’t solve anything. She’s right. Nothing can fix this.

I move forward with my own life force and act like I’m a grown up and pretend everyday that I’m okay. Because her sisters miss her. Her momma misses her. Her brothers and father miss her. But, I can’t even bring myself to look any of them in the eyes anymore because I know I’ll break all over again.

I see their hurt so clearly and that’s what pains me the most … good people shouldn’t go through this terror. No one should go through this terror. And no one really understands what we’re all going through.

We’re remembering the last words we said to each other. The last time we were able to be next to each other. The last time we saw each other smile and laugh together. We remember the last time we ate together, the last drinks we shared, the last everything …

It is a holy hour that one is able to review moments in their lives and record them.
To learn, to impart pieces of wisdom and a personal journal. Audio, visual, cerebral. This is my holy hour.

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